And most are about you…
I have a friend that whenever she realizes she has fallen in love she says something like:
“This is gonna hurt.”
This is gonna hurt-
I have so many feelings bottled up- about my father, about me liking someone new. One not related to the other. But they do live in this bipolarity, don’t they? Life doesn’t throw you a problem at once, it throws you like 5 different problems, one for each part that makes your daily routine.
Work, Health, Family, Friendship, Love, Money, Self, Success…
Right now I’ve been dealing with Self, Love, and Family.
Taking a rest from Work, Health, and Friendship.
My dad just called me and we had this long talk about my siblings, our relationship, us as people, and our conversations. I guess I had a lot to communicate this time because I talked a lot which is not normal for me. I guess I had to cry a lot too… Those kinds of cries that you have no idea where it's coming from and all you can do is tear apart and also wonder “Why am I crying?” so your brain bombards you with everything you haven’t dealt with, for a while now, and you go like “Oooooooh, so that’s why. Makes sense”
But now I'm checking my phone to see if you saw my Instagram stories, see? Complicated.
I have a friend that would tell me “you’re focusing on the wrong thing-”
I might, I probably am, focusing on the wrong things has become my tool so I don’t have to think about the real problem. Me.
Like everything, we are always the devil and angel of our thoughts and doings.
I love my dad. He means the world to me. He has taught me everything that I know, about relationships, about being a leader, about being a more compassionate person, about music… In his defects he taught me also how to be better, we can always improve.
And as I think and reminisce about the many moments I shared with him, someone so important in my life I keep on thinking, like a second layer of thought inside one main one.
I want to talk about this with you.
I want to tell you about my family and the relationship I have with them, but not only that, I want to have that intimate moment and forget about it after, so we can go hold hands somewhere cool, like a museum, or the aquarium.
At this point, I gotta admit I might have a little fixation with aquarium dates. I won’t apologize about it, aquariums are awesome.
See a third thought, a third layer inside everything I’m feeling and writing. What a mess.
Is that ok? That I like you, I mean-
Is it weird? That I want to be sleeping by your side at night, but that I want to wake up next to you? Not every day, just sometimes. And that as we wake up my mind tells me “let's keep this going” I think it's my mind, could be my heart.
But let's not say that, let’s not accept the fact that is most certainly my heart.
Because it’s scary, the last person I liked promised me to be here, he said he wanted so much-
“Give it all,” he said, and like a fool I did.
I mean, I got a tattoo on my ribs saying NOT to give it all. And there I go, I met someone for 3 months and couldn’t help to feel like I needed to, I had to- to give you every inch of me. To find myself alone, and lost. Empty.
And I know we tend to learn from our mistakes, but what if I didn’t learn anything and I give myself away again?
What if I gave myself to you… How many walls are too many walls?
How much crying for the past and being afraid of the future is too many tears and too many emotional blocks?
I can blame my past relationship on my broken sharp pieces, but that wouldn’t be “emotionally responsible” of me.
I could print this and tell you to read it so I don’t have to say it out loud.
But that wouldn’t be very brave of me…
Besides, it doesn’t really say much for you, does it?
There is that whole aquarium thing-
How can I tell you I like this?
I like us at night. I like the way you touch me. And the way you hold me and kiss my forehead.
I want to hold your hand (sorry to “The Beatles”) and I also want to kiss you whenever you say something cute or stupid (usually stupid) when we walk.
I want to worry about what's important for you.
And I want to smile every time you come up with a plan for us to do together.
But I don’t like you, like like you just yet.
I’m just comfortable enough with everything that I just want to know if we can keep doing it, better, little by little, without the pressure that it has to be a “like you like like you” moment.
I am also not close to that.
If that moment comes, I would expect a write like this-
Shorter, that's a promise.
Saying “hey, I like like you-”
But that's a worry for the future, not today. Today is more of let’s keep this going.